"Somebody" First, Then "Nobody"

"Quantum Leap Forward," Mary Bast

In his essay "Becoming Somebody and Nobody" in Paths Beyond Ego, John Engler suggests that the issue in therapy is to regrow a sense of self, whereas the issue in Buddhism is to see through the illusion of self--yet these healing goals are not incompatible. He puts it very simply, “You have to be somebody before you can be nobody.”

When I first read Engler’s essay I had an intellectual aha! I'd been wrestling with some differences among people I'd interviewed about their experience of transformation. Some were recalling a strengthening of their self-esteem, which could be seen as deepening their ego-state instead of transforming themselves. But I was uncomfortable with that judgment. These people were clearly shifting to a new and necessary self-acceptance.

One woman told me, for example, "I was miserable, even thinking about how I could take my life. Then I realized, Hey, I've got four children. I cannot do this, so that means get to a shrink! I did, and that was a wonderful process, to have that affirmation–I came to realize, 'You're O.K.! There's a reason to be miserable. Your marriage is terrible.'" 

Clearly, this woman was describing becoming "somebody." And it makes sense to me that some experiences along our spiritual path will prepare us to have a self before we can let go to no-self.

For me, the quest involves figuring out where and how I begin to negate my essential self. I discovered that I have a very subtle voice I thought was a built-in Buddhist spiritual director. It would ask, "What's the spiritually correct thing to do here?" when it was just my ego telling me I had to be nice. 

The section below is from Chapter Ten of my book with C.J. Fitzsimons, Somebody? Nobody? The Enneagram, Mindfulness and Life's Unfolding--my own responses to questions I posed earlier in the book to people representing all nine Enneagram points.

What stimulated your decision to write this book? 

My interest in writing about the process of transformation grew from my own pain, wishing I had models to show the way, and realizing many of us don't know what we're getting into when we commit to greater self-awareness. Shortly after an intensive Naranjo workshop I became clinically depressed and looked for insights in Enneagram literature, but the only resources at the time were theoretical.

Luckily, I found a Jungian psychologist who knew the Enneagram and helped me see my depression as a dark night of the soul. He paralleled Jungian individuation with the process of spiritual discernment, how we feel consoled as things come together and disconsolate when we struggle. Suddenly I had not only the mournful this hurts view, but also wouldn't it be wonderful if people could read, from an Enneagram perspective, real-life stories of the joys and struggles of awakening? 

It became a calling for me, and a gift, because the people I interviewed were so inspiring as they described their journeys.